Another "honest" post here. I hate writing about my weaknesses but for some reason it feels right to do it. Having Lyla was such a high... I was so happy and had this major accomplishment and fulfilled a dream. Even now, she is my source of joy. She is so sweet, pure and innocent. She doesn't talk back to me, And those babies love you with all their hearts don't they? When my other kids are arguing and being disrespectful I cuddle up with Lyla and tune them out. I miss that high of having accomplished something hard. I've been feeling so alone lately stuck in my world of motherhood. I love it, don't get me wrong... but I'm stuck in some sort of a personal rut now. So much goes into raising the kids I sometimes don't have time for ME. To improve myself. In an effort to reach out, I joined an online discussion group and poured my heart out. Sometimes internet friends are the best... they don't know you personally and don't judge you. They are honest. I wrote about my struggle as a mom to pray and read scriptures. I miss the peace it brings into my life but the desire to read and pray has left me altogether. I'm just too tired to try. I'd rather hide in my imaginary world of all things perfect on the internet- reading about how to improve and what life should be like but not necessarily acting on it. I got so many thoughtful responses that touched my heart from gals who had been there where I am now or just sweet words of comfort. This morning, someone quoted me a scripture that really touched my heart. It's one we all know well, but I've never applied it to my life in this way as a mother. So just in case you are down in the dumps about motherhood like I am (and who knows- maybe it's just me and that's ok) maybe this scripture will mean something to you like it did for me.
Ecclesiastes 3
1 To every thing there is a aseason, and a btime to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A atime to be born, and a time to bdie; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to alaugh; a time to bmourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to aget, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to arend, and a time to sew; a time to keep bsilence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to ahate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he alaboureth?
10 I have seen the atravail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be bexercised in it.
11 He hath made every thing abeautiful in his time: also he bhathset the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the cworkthat God maketh from the beginning to the end.
12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do agood in his life.
13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the agift of God.
Specifically, this was how it was said to me:
"Right now, your season is 'not yours'... all of your focus is on your young ones and your hubby. There is naturally, very little left for you. Whatever you do, don't start thinking about how you are failing yourself and get down on yourself. Put your kids and your family into these verses: 11 He hath made every thing abeautiful in his time: .......... "
It's just what I needed to be reminded of. I know in time my season of rearing these little ones will be gone. And although I won't miss the hard moments, I'll look back at this time with fond memories and think about what an accomplishment it was. I'll think of the hard times and how I tried hard and I'll be proud of myself. And it will be beautiful.