I feel like such a big baby, I really do. I know there are others out there who have had it worse than me and have lived through it. I've been blessed. Blessed with friends who are caring, and families that support me and watch my children as I learn to deal with this pain I've been having. Hopefully it won't last much longer, but I am starting to think someone is trying to teach me something here. The pain is constantly on my brain- sometimes it's not all that severe but more like a tingle- but I still feel it constantly. Because of this, I can't just "be" myself. I have to work to stay happy and sane- and patient. I feel like I could snap at anything even when my kids/husband are trying to be nice to me and so along with the constant pain comes the constant effort to be patient. I think I've tried harder to be patient with my kids more than any other time in my life this past week or so because I've been forced to. You could say that this is kind of a blessing in disguise. I'm hoping that by the time the pain goes away that patience will be a habit! Self control?? I'm learning that too.
This whole thing has been so hard on the kids. I feel so so sorry for them and wish I could be a normal mommy again. But I rub off on them- and so they are more whiney and a little more out of control than usual. Since I've had some time to myself, I've spent part of that time trying to learn about their behaviors and how to control them. And in the process I've learned a few really really cool tricks that have worked WONDERS when put to use! Some of these you may already know about but hopefully they will work wonders for you too.
The Animal Exchange- a bargaining tool.
This came as an ah-ha moment to me a few nights ago as I was struggling to get Joselyn to bed. Even if I had done everything -potty, lots of songs, water to drink etc, she was always getting out of bed at least 5 times wanting something before she would actually go to sleep. "Take that toy out of my room" or "fix my blankets" or "I need to go potty again". This tries my patience like nothing else. I then read about the Tape Trick. This is for kids who like the door open when they go to sleep. You put some sort of marker on the floor and close the door a little at a time each time they try to get up. For most kids, you only have to move the door a marker once for them to get it. But since Joselyn likes to sleep with the door closed (in fact she insists on it) this wasn't going to work. Then one night as she was asking for all of her animals by name to go to bed with, it came to me. After out bed time routine and all songs sang, I finally kissed her good night when the first request came.
"mom, I need more juice". (she had already had some right before bed)
So I said "You can have juice, but you'll have to give me one of your animals".
There was no way she was going to give up one of her animals, so she stayed in bed. I've had to remind her of this little rule for the past few nights but I haven't had ANY problems with her going to bed!! It's amazing. You could really do this with anything that means something to your child. I would suggest never to take away their comfort object- like Joselyn's favorite blanket- but her animals were the perfect bargaining chip because it was important to her to have them in bed with her but not NECESSARY.
The Double Take
This tip came from the book "Happiest Toddler on the Block" which I've been reading. There are a LOT of cool tips in there actually. I don't agree with his "cave baby" philosphy, but he does know a lot of cool tricks for babies and toddlers on how to get them to behave and not whine. And they WORK! It just takes a little more effort and patience which sometimes I don't have enough of. This is why I'm picking and choosing the easiest ones first.
Although this is a very easy trick, I've been amazed with it's success. It works best when your children are whining and wanting something from you- it can be anything- but you're busy doing something important like making dinner. Play time with you, a new glass of milk, help in finding a toy... whatever. After the request has been made, you START to give it to them and then say something like "but wait, I remember I need to do this first really quick. I'll be right back." Of course you have to actually keep your promise. But here's an example.
The other day I was getting ready to call someone- phone in hand- when Joselyn came up to me whining. "Mommy- come sit down by me!" I wanted to sit down by her but I also had to make the call to my doctor. So I said "OK" and held her hand all the way to the couch and started to sit down. Then I jumped up and said "but wait! I have to call my doctor really fast. I'll be right back!" Instead of whining and crying, she sat there patiently while I called the doctor. After the call, I went right back and sat down with her. I don't know why this works, but it does! Over and over again!
The Smiley Face System
This is my FAVORITE!!! I've kind of actually made up my own version of his "check" system that Dr. Karp uses in his book and I'm using smiley faces instead. This is a way to reward and ENCOURAGE good behavior and it's an instant hit. You know kids are amused with the smallest and simplest of things. When Landen or Joselyn does something good and praise-worthy such as staying in their seats during a meal, or doing something without complaining, you reward them with a check or smiley face on their hand. Watch their faces light up!!! It's amazing. They can't ask to earn the smiley face- they never know when they will earn one. This keeps them pretty well-behaved if I stick to it because they want more smiley faces! OF course, it may not work so well for older kids, but with toddlers it's magic.
Last night Landen was sitting in his chair eating his food so well I decided to give him a smiley face. He BEAMED. Joselyn, who was running around and wouldn't sit down heard me announce that he was getting a smiley face for sitting in his seat and eating IMMEDIATELY sat down and finished her meal without a peep. She was beyond thrilled when after her food was finished she earned a smiley face too.
So if you see smiley faces all over my kids' hands you now know why. The other good thing about this is you can take them aside a few times a day to count the smiley faces and remind them of the good things they did to earn their smiley faces. IT's so so awesome. This is the best child-rearing trick I've learned in my LIFE!!
Gossiping
This one works really well too- and it's something we've done here and there before but that we've started doing more recently in a more effective manner. With gossping, the trick is to be secretive and to really act like you don't think your child is listening. Don't look at them. You can "gossip" to anyone- someone you are talking to on the phone, someone standing next to you or even a stuffed animal- and always use positive words. To gossip, you just talk about what behaviors that make you happy to someone else. Or if you're wanting to correct a behavior you could throw in suggestions. You can even pretend a stuffed animal or toy is gossiping to you.
For example, if Landen wasn't helping pick up the toys I could talk to Adam and say in a hushed tone "Yesterday Landen helped me clean up so well and it made me so so happy". Next thing you know, he is picking up toys as fast as he can.
Think about it, if someone tells you you are beautiful to your face, you may think it's nice but you may doubt their sincerety. But if you overhear someone saying "oh, she looks so beautiful" when they don't know you heard, you really would believe it wouldn't you? Works the same way.
You could mention something that is making you unhappy but always offer a suggestion to fix the undesired behavior. "It makes me sad when Joselyn takes Landen's toy away but when I sure do love it when she says something silly to make him smile!"
Choices
This is one I have been using for a while and I may have even mentioned it before. In an effort to avoid using the word "no" so much, I've started giving choices. The thing I like about it so much is that your children feel powerful and not stepped on so much. There are easy choices like "Which shirt do you want to wear today?" in which you give them 2 or 3 options. (too many options will confuse them) or there can be tougher choices like "You can pick up your toys or skip out on a cookie- which do you choose?" This morning I used this to get Joselyn to eat a WHOLE BOWL OF VEGETABLES! She was begging for a snack but I didn't want her to eat anything unhealthy. So I gave her a choice- no snack or a bowl of steamed carrots, peas and corn- which she insists she HATES. She was apparently really hungry because she chose the vegetables. She took a hesitant bite of a carrot to realize she actually does like them and then when all the carrots were gone moved on to the peas. She finished the whole bowl and earned a surprise smiley face! I don't know why I didn't think of using that choice before... I think she just learned she actually DOES like vegetables!
Sometimes I forget to use these cool tricks and sometimes they take "work". But I've had so many successes with them when I have used them. I hope some of you will get some good use from these- and let me know how it goes with you! You can read about more really awesome tips and tricks in "Happiest Toddler on the Block". It's such a great book overall that focuses on teaching your children with love and patience without expecting them to act like adults. Because let's face it- they're not little adults.
