"Just visited grandma in the hospital. She smiled when i came in and
although she couldn't speak her face was full of emotion. If she were
able to cry, I know there would have been tears in her eyes. It was a
struggle to hold my own tears in. Despite the machine and tubes
everywhere she still looked beautiful and classy. I told her that we
all prayed for her... Even little Jos. I showed her recent pictures of
the kids and she smiled. I then spent the next 10 minutes massaging
her feet- an honor and a memory I will cherish forever. Then she
seemed uncomfortable and tired, so we decided to let her rest. I gave
her a kiss on the cheek and she briefly opened her eyes. I told her I
love her- whispered. And she mouthed "I love you too Missy" with the
sweetest expression of love on her face that I will never forget."
When I wrote this paragraph almost a month ago, I kind of knew in my heart that it would be the last time I would be able to spend time with my grandmother on earth. Although she seemed like she was getting better, I knew her heart must have yearned to be with grandpa. My mother flew out to be with her through her last days, and my aunt Maren wrote the following:
"This is the entry I never wanted to write when I began this on Feb. 25, and never believed I would have to. We always visualized the day Mom would read this journal, and understand how completely strong and brave she was, how much we love and admire her, how many people were rooting for her, supporting her, sending her light and healing.
At about 1:15 a.m. this morning, Mom took a final, peaceful breath, and we held ours, wondering if it could really be true. She was gone. We are so relieved and happy her seven weeks of suffering are over, but the raw ache of missing her has settled into our hearts.
Even laced with pain, the last moments we spent with her were sweet. She was surrounded by deep love, both in the room and from elsewhere. And music -- recordings of her own piano playing comforted us as we waited. "I Believe in Christ" was playing when she died.
Just moments before, Juli, Laura and I had been telling stories about her. Laura started by suggesting we list her many accomplishments: teacher, pianist, chorister, artist, singer, actress, director, seamstress, organizer, composer, writer, journaler, world traveler. At one point, Laura said "typist," and it made us laugh. We segued into sharing memories, with more laughter, and more than a few tears. We sang to Mom -- first the songs she had taught us as children, then "Amazing Grace" and "Lead Kindly Light," which her granddaughters sang at Dad's funeral. We held her close, stroking her face, arms and hands.
One of the stories I told during the night was the way my congenitally punctual Dad would get frustrated at my Mom's tendency to push the clock when they were expected somewhere. Sometimes he would head out and wait in the car, engine running. More often, he would just stand by the garage door and say her name in a very specific tone: "Ar-LEENE!" She didn't have to ask what he wanted. His tone told her everything: Hurry up. We should be gone by now.
I like to think she heard his voice at 1:14 a.m. tonight, in that same tone. "Ar-LEENE!" It has been 24 days. And he was probably tired of waiting."
When I heard the news, my heart was heavy as I booked yet another flight to Arizona. This time I decided to take Joselyn with me. I needed her. She has a sweet way of lifting my spirits. We rode in the airplane together- her first time that she was aware of- and she did wonderful. She knew why we were going. I try to be open with her about these things. I also wanted her to meet family and to be a part of things that are close to my heart- this one last time. The morning after we arrived, I woke up early and went to photograph things that I may never see again. My grandparents' home was on the market, and this home that they built when they first were married would be a home for someone else.
The grapefruit trees are long gone, but the orange trees still grow strong in the front and back of my grandparents' home. For the few short years we lived in Mesa (just a few blocks down the street) I remember these treats and the Fresh Squeezed orange juice that my grandfather would make. It was not surprising that Joselyn also enjoyed these treats and ventured out to the front yard to pick a few tangerines many times a day.
My sister Amaree brought her daughter Olivia- and Joselyn fell in love with her little cousin. She is quite adorable. They shared a love of tangerines.
My grandparents' house was always neat and filled with treasures they collected from their travels around the world. I love that they stayed and built memories here. My favorite collections are the bells and turtles. I wish I would have taken pictures of the piano and my handprints in the back yard near the gate that leads to the alley.
I used to go and hold these turtles one by one and secretly wish they were my pets.
I can't forget the planes always flying in the sky above us- as the airport is not too far away.
In the days leading up to the funeral, our days were filled with practices for the songs in which my grandmother loved and one of them was composed by her. We sang "Eternal Life", "Little Lamb" and my sister sang a beautiful song "When All is Said and Done."
Eternal Life
- Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
- Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
- Where there is injury, pardon.
- Where there is doubt, faith.
- Where there is despair, hope.
- Where there is darkness, light.
- Where there is sadness, joy.
- O Divine Master,
- grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
- to be understood, as to understand;
- to be loved, as to love.
- For it is in giving that we receive.
- It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
- and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
When All is Said and Done
When all is said and done
as the season slips away
when I've taken steps beyond my sight
will I find my strenght in greater light
will my courage grow with every passing day
and will my faith be constant as the setting sun
when all is said and done
When all is said and done
and the years have turned to gold
will my life become a legacy
of the things that matter most to me
will the fire of faith burn bright as I grow old
and will I want to be the person I've become
when all is said and done
When all is said and done
when my eyes can finnally see
will I glory in the sweet release
and will mercy fill my soul with peace
will I knell in wonder at the Savior's feet
will I hear him say 'well done'
when he sees who I've become
will I live with him
when all is said and done
Little Lamb
William Blake
Little Lamb, who made thee
Does thou know who made thee
Gave thee life & bid thee feed.
By the stream & o'er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing woolly bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice.
Making all the vales rejoice:
Little Lamb who made thee
Does thou know who made thee
Little Lamb I'll tell thee,
Little Lamb I'll tell thee;
He is called by thy name,
For he calls himself a Lamb:
He is meek & he is mild,
He became a little child
I a child & thou a lamb,
We are called by His name,
Little Lamb God bless thee,
Little Lamb God bless thee
On the day of my grandmother's funeral, my heart just wasn't into taking that many pictures. But I took a few.
Flowers from South Africa adorned her casket. She loved the people she served there as a mission president's wife.
At the end of the burial service, ties were placed on her casket. Last Christmas she handed these out to the boys in the family.
We sang a family lullaby at the graceside service. The words are bitter, but it has been in our family for generations. Pioneer mothers used to sing this song to their children to keep them from wandering off. My mother sang it to us, and I now sing it to my children.
Oh say do you know, a long time ago
Two little babes, their names I don't know
Went strolling along on a bright summers day
Got lost in the woods I've heard people say
The moon did not shine the sun gave no light
Those two little babes they laid down and died
And when they were dead, two robins of red
Brought strawberry leaves and over them spread.
A rare family photo- although we are missing Seth and my dad (he was taking the picture). Wish Seth had been in this picture with us!
I love and admire my grandmother, and I see a lot of her in my own mother. I will miss her encouraging letters and cards, her beautiful face and the sweet way she was there for me and all of her grandchildren. She truly loved her family. Although my heart hurts that she is gone, I feel at peace knowing she is with my grandfather in a good place- and also that miles of distance don't separate us anymore. I can already feel her presence more in my life- and I am so grateful for that. I am also grateful for the many memories I shared with her.
My heart aches most for my own mom. I know for her, her world will never be the same. I struggle to find words that will comfort her- and only pray that time will heal her heart. I also pray she will now turn to her daughters- who also love and cherish her as she loved and cherished her own mother.
