"Love is
vital in parenting, but love is not enough. Parents need knowledge.
You would never trust yourself to a surgeon who simply loved their job,
but lacked the knowledge required in surgery. Parenting is at least as
difficult as surgery."
-Dr. Haim G. Ginott
It's very rare that a book comes into my life that changes my life this much. Over the past few weeks and months that I have struggled with my children for various reasons, I often turned to my mother- who I remember was very good with us as young children. She tells us how we got along really well and for the most part were very well behaved. She always mentioned a book called "Between Parent and Child".
Well, for my birthday this year (more on this later) my mom bought me this book.
I received it on Saturday and have been reading it as much as possible since. I'm about 1/4 of the way through the book, and it's already changed our family life. I say "family" because every principle covered in this book that I've read so far can be applied to any other relationship.
This book essentially teaches parents how to:
(from the back of the book)
1. Discipline without threats, bribes, sarcasm and punishment
2. Criticize without demeaning, praise without judging, and express anger without hurting
3. Acknowledge rather than argue with children's feelings, perceptions and opinions
4. Respond so that children will learn to trust and develop self confidence
The reading is really easy and full of examples so it was very easy to implement what I learned right away.
Some examples from my own life on how this has helped:
When Joselyn would throw fits I would almost force her to get over her bad mood and say something like "Stop screaming Joselyn. Be a happy girl". In doing this, I wasn't allowing her to express her real emotions. If I continued to do this, she may grow up feeling like she can't tell me how she really feels about things and that she has to put on a happy mask to cover all her anger and other emotions. This book taught me that it's OK to have emotions and express them. In fact, most of the time children don't even really want you to fix their problems. They just want their feelings to be understood. So now, if Joselyn is throwing a fit I say something like "You are angry. I know such and such made you mad" That's it. You would be amazed how just acknowledging her feelings will help her turn into a happy person!
Tonight as we were giving Joselyn a bath, she was splashing everywhere. She doesn't usually do this- she was trying to provoke Adam and me, and Adam was getting angry. He told her many times to "Stop!" and she continued to do it. As many of you know, those kind of demands don't usually work. Well, the book recommended just expressing how you are feeling. So I said to Joselyn "You're getting me wet and that is making me angry!" My voice was firm and my face probably showed her that I wasn't happy. She immediately stopped and said "I'm sorry mommy." No more splashes. MIRACLE.
The book also teaches you to never label a child- bad OR good. Never say anything about their character as a person, but talk about the specific situation. For example, instead of saying something like "Joselyn, you are such a good girl" you would praise her for something SPECIFIC and say how it made you feel. "Joselyn, when you help mommy clean up it makes me so happy." This has also made a big difference in her attitude. When I request things, I no longer say "Joselyn, pick up the toys." I say "It would make me so happy if you could help pick up!" It's amazing the difference it makes.
The thing is, those are only just a few of the many instances that principles from this book have turned a bad situation into a better one.
What I really love about this book so far is that it creates a really healthy relationship between the parent and child- one where there is trust and respect. And I've always felt that was important. I never wanted to be dictative and make my child feel like her feelings and opinions weren't an important part of the family. I can't wait to finish the book! When I do, I will probably write another post on it, but I just had to share my excitement for this book because it has changed my life THAT MUCH. In 4 days. Oh and it's helped my relationship with Adam too- it also works on adults ;)
