Before it all becomes a faded memory

I'm not a very private person really- most of you probably know that. I love to talk about things that go on in my life and usually have no problem sharing things even most people might feel are kind of too personal. I know a lot of us mothers try to focus on the positive things on our blogs making our lives seemingly perfect and well-rounded. We don't share much of our struggles. I don't think we do it because we are trying to make our lives seem better than others but I think deep down inside we are afraid of being judged. At least that's how I feel sometimes and the reason why I leave out some more personal things. Besides, who likes to hear people complain? I've been open a few times on this blog and I'll be honest I'm not sure how people actually took it. Usually when I share a struggle it's because I want to help someone who may be going through the same thing or may in the future. And this is the case today. I was going to wait until my pregnancy was over because I'm still not quite sure if my struggle is over, but it seems in the past week my memory of it all is starting to fade and I wanted to get it all out there while the pain is still somewhat fresh in my memory. I know people go through worse. But I wanted to share any way. 

This pregnancy has been hard. HARD HARD HARD. It started out with hyperactive emotions and a lot of nausea- more than I've ever felt before. Those things don't go too well with having 2 toddlers. Not only was I always feeling sick and tired and sad all the time, but having to watch 2 toddlers made it all worse. The kids tried to be understanding but it's hard for them to get it. On top of all that there were other physical symptoms that appeared like carpel tunnel and sciatica... usually things that don't occur until the end of my pregnancies. I was struggling.  Things got better for a little bit right when I headed to New Mexico in October. I was starting my 2nd trimester and I was starting to feel great! But wouldn't ya know it. As soon as I got back I started battling migraines!! Really really bad migraines. I couldn't move, eat or open my eyes. It was just too painful and tylenol wasn't cutting it. I am finally feeling like I can be sympathetic to those who deal with migraines on a regular basis. How do you survive? I finally called my midwife and she gave me a prescription, but I was very skeptical. Turns out that Ale8-1 works mighty wonders on migraines!! Once I discovered that fact, no medication was needed and my migraines slowly faded away. I was excited. I could finally enjoy my second trimester. Right? Wrong.

I can't even remember when the first time was... when my eyes opened in the morning and I didn't want to get out of bed. I COULDN'T get out of bed. All I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to play with my kids, I didn't want to clean, even the simple act of getting up seemed like the most difficult task. And then I would start crying... all the while asking myself why I was so sad? I had NO reason to be sad! I couldn't understand it. But it was real. At first I excused it away as being a moody pregnant mom.  But something just didn't seem right. The smallest things would set me off into a real rage or uncontrollable crying. I would yell at my kids over the smallest things and urges to even hit them would run through my head. This is not something I would ever do- and thankfully I restrained myself from hurting them in that way although I would find myself squeezing their shoulders a little too tight when discipling them. (I can't believe I am admitting to these things!!) My endless fits of rage were starting to rub off on them- in turn they were more disrespectul and destructive to me and each other. And so started an endless cycle. It got to the point where it was absolutely necessary for Adam to work from home. When I felt the anger start to swell I'd immediately go to my room and lock the door and he would take over (more on how blessed and grateful I am in that regard later!) It was starting to wear on him too- he already had so much on his shoulders and now it was almost as if he had to be the mother AND the father- all on his own. I was watching my family fall into pieces and I didn't feel like there was anything I could do. 

I started to realize this was NOT normal. I never felt this way during my other 2 pregnancies. Yes dynamics have changed and I now had 2 toddlers and a photography business, but still... I just didn't feel like me. Something was NOT right! I started doing research about depression during pregnancy. Did it even exsist? We've all heard of post-partum depression but I had never heard of prenatal depression. Turns out though that it is quite common. And I personally feel that it is more "out there" than anyone knows because like me, people are probably excusing away their  feelings or blaming it on just being pregant. But it was doing too much harm to my family so even though it was hard, I finally told Adam how I was feeling. I told him I needed help. He was so understanding. And so I set up an appointment with my midwife and told her all about it. She recommended me to a great therapist and the therapy started. 

My wish was to never take medication. I have been blessed that I haven't had to. But I totally get it if people do now. Instead it seems like just talking to my therapist was really doing a lot of good. She helped me see myself in a different light and to understand why I was feeling the things that I feel. I had to take a personality test- and she had Adam take one too. He came to a session and we talked about communication. It was amazing how just talking to someone outside of my circle of comfort was helping me to feel better. (I honestly believe everyone could benefit from seeing a therapist at one point in their life!!)

Then a few days after Christmas I opened my eyes and I jumped out of bed. I made breakfast. I did the dishes (that hadn't been done for days) I played with my kids and I laughed with them. I had energy and happiness.  I knocked on wood that day... because for the first time in months I felt normal again. Me. I had patience with my children and husband. And I've felt this way ever since. I have more gratitude now for my mental health, as funny as that sounds. I had never even thought twice of how it must feel to suffer depression. Well, maybe I had TRIED to, but until you've experienced it I think it's really hard to explain. And my case was fairly mild. I never contemplated suicide or even hurting myself. I didn't even have feelings of regret for the baby which is a very common symptom. It was more of a really deep hopelessness and anger towards the world. But I know the pain is real and it's out there and people are suffering. And I kind of get it now. 

I'll be honest when I say I will continue to see my therapist. It turns out that I really really need people to talk to- imagine that! Having this blog has been therapeutic for me too. I'm not one who can hold feelings inside very well and stay mentally sane. And although sometimes I feel like I'm talking to no one that's really ok too- in some ways I feel like just the act of typing up a post and getting feelings off my chest can relieve so much stress- so thanks to those of you who always come to visit. 

I have thought a lot about my blessings lately... especailly my husband. There were times when even he couldn't take my witchy-ness but with all that we went through together I know we came out stronger and closer. His job that allows him to work from home has probably been the biggest blessing- including his willingness to do so. I know it was stressful at times... or most of the time if not all of the time. And when I really needed it he would just let me cry on his shoulder. I love that man. I am also extremely blessed to be surrounded by wonderful family and friends who'd drop everything to listen to my struggles or keep me company when I very much needed it. I'm grateful that I was able to learn more about myself. These are all blessings that have made me stronger in the long run. If this is something you struggle with or if you do in the future my advice would be to not be afraid to get help... and to surround yourself with those amazing family and friends and people who love and care about you. Those are the people who know that just because you aren't "you" you really still are underneath. And most of all don't be ashamed. In a spiritual sense, it's just another trial that brings you closer to Christ and you come out triumphantly.